


Poetic Tragedy

by Caelys



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Arranged Marriage, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, One Shot, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:14:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26288605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caelys/pseuds/Caelys
Summary: You’re never gonna love me, so what’s the use?
Relationships: Esme Shelby/John Shelby
Kudos: 12





	Poetic Tragedy

The lake was calm. The wind was weak enough to create tiny waves on the surface and nothing else. And just as the morning sun started rising above the hills, the fog started clearing up. Life started waking up for another summer day. The sound of the chipping birds and horse beside her was making Esme feel at peace once again. This was her place. This was her home. Away from the city. Away from the poisonous smog. Away from the boring, gray days.

_“Didn’t you know? He was engaged to Lizzie!”_

Those words were still haunting her mind. Didn’t she know? How could she, when opening up was something completely foreign to her husband. How could she know when business was a priority and their time together was so little. How could she know when it had passed only a month since the wedding and John was still practically a stranger. 

Pebble after pebble going into the lake. Just like when her siblings teached her to throw when she was just a little kid. Now 15 years later she was standing at the edge of another lake still throwing pebbles, just this time she was alone. No siblings, no one to turn and talk to. 

But one thought suddenly rushed into her head. Something her mother used to tell her all the time.

_‘Even when I’m not with you, I always listen. Whenever you need me, just speak to the wind. He’ll carry your words to me’._

So she started to talk. Esme let her heart to bleed out in the open. Every single thought and feeling. The thought of John wanting engage to Lizzie wasn’t supposed to bother her. But it did… Why? 

Because he loved another woman? No! He had children for fuck’s sake. Because he wanted to marry another and she just got in the way? Because just like every single young girl she imagined her wedding day and her life afterwards? Because the first time she saw the person she was supposed to marry was at the altar? Because of hundreds of different possible reasons.

Truth be told she was lonely. She didn’t imagine this life for her. Waiting daily for a husband who not only was a stranger, but who wanted another. She was the other woman in her own marriage. What a fucked up place to be…

Esme needed to make up her mind, so she did the only thing she knew. Just like when she was a kid, she took a horse and ran away for a day or two. After the third time no one in her family paid attention to that. They knew she would return, so why even bother looking for her? It wasn’t like they didn’t care, they did; but they also knew she needed to be alone and she knew how to take care for herself. 

She knew how to take care of herself, but could she take care of a whole marriage just by herself?

“Esme, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?” a shout cut through the forest surrounding her. It was faint enough to be clear that she was seen, but far enough for her to be sure that she wasn’t heard. 

The sounds of the galloping horse were getting closer and closer. Just in time as she turned, John got out of the forest. The horse hadn’t stopped fully when he jumped down. 

“Bloody hell, Esme…” keeping up his pace he went to her “What are you doing here?”

Was he angry? Was he not? It was hard to tell, when every sentence was said in a different tone. 

“I came home and you were gone. A horse was missing. I thought you ran away, that something happened…” he put his hands her cheeks. His shoulders were slopped and weary looking. His eyes usually full of life were bloodshot and drained. Had he slept at all that past night? 

“Everything’s alright. I just wanted to get away for a while” 

“You should have left a note or something. Anything. You can’t just leave like that, without expecting me to look for you.” John exhaled and lowered his head, despite the height difference between the two, their foreheads met. John rested his eyes for a second. 

“You didn’t have to, I would have been back till noon” Esme felt guilty, maybe she should have said something. But habits played a big role in her disappearance. She was used to going wherever, whenever, without anyone worrying. This here - it was all new to her.

“My wife goes missing and you expect me to stay calm and just wait. No that’s not happening” John replied without opening his eyes or moving in the slightest. 

“Come sit with me”

Esme led him the the same place she was sitting in for the past however hours had passed. Sitting in complete silence they just observed the nature around them. The songs of the dozens of different birds around them. The sound of the barely moving water. Everything around them was at peace, everything but not them.

“What was this about? Don’t tell me you came all the way here just to look at the sunrise? We have a perfectly good view of the sun back home” John finally broke the silence with the worst attempt for a joke possible.

“I wanted to think for a while. That’s all”

“Just say what’s wrong”

How could she say what’s wrong when she didn’t know what exactly was wrong. She came there exactly for that reason - to clear her mind… But it didn’t work out, tight until that very moment.

“I just realized, you’re never gonna love me” these words came out of her mouth so naturally. She hadn’t voiced them until that moment, but they were true. She wasn’t really confused, she just thought so. She was afraid of the truth. A truth no one in her shoes would have admitted with such an ease.

“What in the…” John couldn’t even finish his sentence. He was the reason, she needed to be alone.

“You wanted to marry Lizzie, but you were forced to marry me. And now you’ll be miserable because of that. And I’ll be miserable because of you.”

“You, women, are fucking unbearable” John laughed, although he didn’t find it funny. That was just he only reaction his body was able to produce.

“I never loved Lizzie. I thought I do. The kids needed a mother and at the time I felt like I had no choice” That was the most personal thing he had shared with her up until that moment. Maybe it was the lack of sleep getting to him, maybe it was something else, but he continued “But I think I’ll love you eventually.”


End file.
